Second Hand Nose (Second Hand Rose) - Allan Sherman

Mother Nature made me

Strictly second-rate

Smart but not good-looking

What an awful fate

Girls don’t go for IQ

Eggheads ain’t their style

They don’t say, «I like you.»

They don’t even smile

Well, Mother Nature, I’ll get back at you

Tomorrow morning, here’s what I will do:

I’m calling Dr. Max Rose

That’s who I chose

He’s gonna make me

A second-hand nose

I went to his office once or twice and

All his patients looked like Barbra Streisand

Then I’ll get second-hand hair

Second-hand teeth

And contact lenses

In a baby blue

And elevator shoes, and then I’ll melt the girls' hearts

They can’t resist a man with interchangeable parts

Girls will go nuts

Parked in my second-hand Stutz

We’ll sit there sniffing glue

On Second Avenue!