Jamie's Petting Zoo - Guttermouth

I’ve had my pet

Since i was nine years old

I loved him and fed him

Kept him out of the cold

But one day he attacked

I knew he didn’t love me back

So I grabbed him like a football

And punted fifty yards

Now I hate pets

Take yourself to the vet

Now I hate pets

Dolphins trapped in little nets

Now I hate pets

You little fucking

Screaming shit-bag

I should of let your mother

Eat you, little fucker

So I got a little birdy

And I trained it everyday

He knew 1000 words

But then he flew away

But then i got him back

The fucker wouldn’t shut his trap

So I took him to the bathroom

And rubbed his beak in shit

Now I hate pets

Spotted owls in their nests

Now I hate pets

Bagged a deer and made a vest

Now I hate pets

Birds and bees and bears and bison

Pigs and parrots and pandas

I fucking hate them all!

I was walking through the park

As a snake peeped from his hole

A perfect opportunity

To take the bastard home

I chopped his fucking head off

With my handy garden hoe

And made a lovely hat-band

For my redneck cousin bo, heee-haaw!

Now I hate pets

10,000 volts to the chest

Now I hate pets

Fed my cat some cigarettes

Now I hate pets

You little fucking

Screaming shit-bag

Bastard

Fuck you, you

Fucking pig-shit licker, fuck!