You're Nothing Without Me - Martin Smith, Roger Allam

STINE:

You are some gumshoe

You just don’t think well

Get this, dumb gumshoe,

You come from my inkwell

Is your mouth lonely

With one foot in there

Stone, your brain only

Holds thoughts i put in there

Just what you are i’ll spell out

You are a novel pain

One speck of lint that fell out

The last time that i picked my brain

STONE:

You are so jealous

Of my track record

Tolstoy, do tell us Your feeble hack record

Your weak knees brand you

Soft and unstable

One small threat and you

Fold like a card table

You drool at my adventures

Your broads in bed are bored

Go home and soak your dentures

Your pen is no match for my sword

BOTH:

You’re nothing without me A no-one who’d go undefined

You wouldn’t exist

You’d never be missed

STINE:

I tell you you’re out of my mind

BOTH:

A show off, a blowhard

You’re equal parts hot air and gall

And no one would doubt me Without me you’re nothing at all

STINE:

You’re in my plot

I’m still your creator

I call each shot

I’m your private dic-tator

STONE:

You are so thick, you

Eat, breathe, sleep fiction

I’m your meal ticket

Knee-deep in cheap fiction

STINE:

You gloating ignoramus

You haven’t any shame

STONE:

Hey, i’m a famous shamus

And most people don’t know your name

BOTH:

You’re nothing without me Without me you’d just disappear

Right into thin air

And no one would care

Or notice you were there

A puppet, an upstart

A loser who’s destined to fall

I’m everything you always wanted to be Let’s deal with the issue:

You wish you were me You’re nothing without me Without me you’re nothing …

(To prove his dominance over STONE, STINE resumes typing,

reactivating MUNOZ, who steps back into the light)

MUNOZ:

(Spoken, to STONE)

Let’s go!

STONE:

Manny, wait!

MUNOZ:

I said, keep my name out of your mouth!

(MUNOZ punches STONE hard, in the stomach, sending STONE to his knees.

STONE stares at STINE, a character betrayed)

STONE:

You bastard!

(STINE, ignoring him, types four letters)

STINE:

«Fade…»

(Types three more letters)

«Out.»

(And the LIGHTS do just that, on MUNOZ and STONE. Then:)

STINE:

(Sings, triumphantly)

You’re nothing without me Without me you’re nothing at all