Mrs. Worthington - Noël Coward

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don’t put your daughter on the stage

The profession is overcrowded

And the struggle’s pretty tough

And admitting the fact

She’s burning to act

That isn’t quite enough

She has nice hands

Give the wretched girl her due

But don’t you think her bust is too

Developed for her age?

I repeat, Mrs. Worthington

Sweet Mrs. Worthington

Don’t put your daughter on the stage

Regarding yours

Dear Mrs. Worthington

Of Wednesday the twenty-third

Although your baby

May be keen on a stage career

How can I make it clear

This is not a good idea?

For her to hope

Dear Mrs. Worthington

Is, on the face of it, absurd

Her personality

Is not, in reality

Exciting enough

Inviting enough

For this particular sphere

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don’t put your daughter on the stage

She’s a bit of an ugly duckling

You must honestly confess

And the width of her seat

Would surely defeat

Her chances of success

It’s a loud voice

And though it’s not exactly flat

She’ll need a little more than that

To earn a living wage

On my knees, Mrs. Worthington

Please, Mrs. Worthington

Don’t put your daughter on the stage!

Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington

Don’t put your daughter on the stage

Though they said at the school of acting

She was lovely as Peer Gynt

I’m afraid on the whole

An ingénue role

Would emphasize her squint

She’s a big girl

And though her teeth are fairly good

She’s not the type I ever would

Be eager to engage

No more buts, Mrs. Worthington!

Nuts, Mrs. Worthington!

Don’t put your daughter on the stage!