People Watching - Demetri Martin

I like people watching.

mostly this one women!!!

(clapping)

I am doing them one at a time

From behind bushes and all

I think surprise parties are weird because people jump up and say surprise at

the party

I came home to my house and you guys emerged from my furniture, you don’t have

to tell me how to feel I don’t need a hint from the group.

U know!

It’s not like you are gonna yell out another feeling and I am gonna have that

instead I come home and everyone jumps up and yells CONFIDENCE.

Oh alright yeah!

Damn right I feel great, imagine spending an hour at the party and answering

questions like were you really confident when we jumped out and said confidence

ya I wasn’t faking I had no idea, I mean I came in feeling very lousy about

myself and I felt really self assured it’s an great confidence party I am glad

you guys threw it for me

My friend has soap that smells like coconut which is great, very nice.

Unless your hands are dirty by coconut then it’s a disaster.

It’s the worst soap possible.

I can’t tell if I have made an progress in this situation.

This is how my hands started out.

This sucks.

You see somebody smelling their hands there is never a good story behind it.

Just looks negative u know.

If u try to make it look positive it looks even worse.

You go like…

Let’s go talk to that guy he seems very happy about wherever he put his hands

in.

no good

If you’re in a bus and want that seat next to you open.

Smell your hand as people get on and pass by you.

Hey you wanna take a whiff of this what is it.

U can see it by the way.

Is this human or what is this

I don’t like automatic paper towel dispensers because they don’t tell you when

they are not working so I end looking like a shady magician in the bathroom for

a few minutes.

Waving my arms around.

What do I have to do to get a piece of paper from this thing

Automatic paper towel Dispensers are solution to something that was never

really a problem

Hey man you know how people get paper towel when they need one.

Ya they just take their hand and pull one.

ya!

Ya!

Ya!

We are gonna change that.

We are gonna add lasers and make it more complicated that seems completely

unnecessary.

Ya completely unnecessary that’s the idea.

We are gonna work with the sinks too.

Ya what are you gonna so there.

We are gonna get rid of the hot and cold handles and have sensors to conjure

the the water out of the faucet and do a little rain dance with their hands.

But then they won’t be able to adjust the water temperature.

FUCK EMM!

We are gonna finish up with the toilets.

Ya what are you doing there.

You know when you are sitting on a toilet and move like a millimeter

Ya we are think of having a (inaudible) explode under their ass.

Why are you gonna do that.

Gotta get have a turnover gonna scare the shit out of them.

Get them out of there.

Hey man did you pee on the back of your legs.

No man I just moved like a inch and there was an explosion got up and ran right

out of the bathroom I ran by the paper towel thing and the bathroom starts

shooting out I don’t know if it’s haunted or what’s going on there.

That’s a good crowd right there.

that is a way to ensure presence on the cd.

this is gonna be out in the future so I don’t even know if it’s gonna be a cd.

So whoever is listening in the future depending on how young they are they

don’t even know how life was like

U in the future we had very few robots then you guys have.

Spaceships were not as readily available as they are for you.