Sames And Opposites - Demetri Martin

In life there are many things

Some of them are the same and some are opposites

About some of these things I do sing

A cactus is the opposite of a chair

In my house you can sit anywhere but there

especially if your ass is bare

A bird house is not the same as a bird home

one is much more comfortable for birds

These are sames and opposites my friends

which I determined

A musical is the same as a burlap sack

I would not want to be in either

A squirrel is the same as a can

when there’s a BB gun in my hand

Can’t you see that I am just a man?

With distinctions and comparisons

Spare change is the same as wedgies for me

I don’t give it unless someone’s really asking

Unless you’re at a funeral

To live is the same as to dream

If you do both long enough you’ll see

But you have to work in between

Unless you have narcolepsy

(That was a boring solo)

Earrings are the same as sneezes

Two is okay but ten in a row is annoying

If you have two then God bless you

These are sames and opposites my friends

which I have determined

A secret admirer is the same as a stalker

With stationery

An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie

I liked it at the time but I don’t want to see it again

Especially if the movie was kind of a bitch

These are sames and opposites my friends

which I have determined

So far