Number One - Loudon Wainwright III

Of all the chicks & broads & babes & bimbos I have known

No one does it better than you do on the phone

Midway through my busy day all through my empty night

I dial your 900 number and it feels oh so right

When I’m feelin lonely and bottled up inside

I know I can aslays take that magic carpet ride

I get down on my bearskin rug on my loving room floor

I get you on the telephone & you give me what for

CHORUS:

When it comes to lovin on the phone you are the best

Local or long distance, you’re better thatn the rest

And when it is all over, when it’s been said and done

Of all the numbers out there, your number’s number one

I used to go to pick up bars when I felt all alone

Now I just have a few drinks and pick up my telephone

I like my lovin private this is not a party line

I don’t have call waiting cause I’m busy all the time

I don’t know what you look like

And I don’t know how you smell

But the way you talk to me no human tongue could tell

There are so many digits, yours are the ones I pick

Cause the way you talk to me no human tongue can lick

(Chorus)

The things that you say to me, well I can’t sing them here

Let’s just say it’s worth it, that phone call’s not too dear

And I know you don’t love me but hey I don’t love you

I just love those things you say & what you tell me to do

Cause lovin’s never easy & love can be a chore

And these days love is dangerous I need not say more

Some folks say I’ts kinky & some say it’s obscene

But thank you Alexander Graham Bell

For your lovin machine

(Chorus)