The Mother-In-Law - Momus

I, Bill Cotton, was the entertainment king

I ruled without hate or malice

And now that I’m on trial

I recall no crime

But I remember Alexandra Palace

When I started there I was a teenager

But not like they are today, all anoraks and acne

My face was polka dotted but my popular demotic

Went down dandy, setting the house on fire

Till Adolf’s rockets described their arcs

And brought the old place down

But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been

To entertain the Mother-in-Law

I was everybody’s drunken brother-in-law

But my wedding reception roses were microphones

And when the table was cleared and the dishes were done

They gathered round their master’s voice in every home

Then crackling Berlin and Hilversum and Rome

Gave way to a Cockney twang

With the timing of a jazz age genius

I remember those religious broadcasting blokes

Used to stop me right on Portland Place

And quote me right to my face

'In the land of the blind the winking man is king'

But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been

To entertain the Mother-in-Law

Then in the years that followed the war

I was moved from razzmatazz to administration

They say we’ve all got a cross to bear

Mine was the task of altering

An eavesdropping to a voyeuristic nation

Well I never met Logie Baird but from what I’ve hear

That man was a smash hit at parties

If you asked him to describe TV

He immediately dropped to his knees

And mechanically scanned the carpets

In 240 lines, or was it 405?

Well never mind, they were punchlines every one

But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been

To entertain the mother-in-law

To cut a long story short I ended up in court

With the entire cast of the Black and White Minstrel Show

(There must be a million or more)

So tell me where have I seen these pearly gates?

Where have I heard that title before?

'The Day of Judgement' - must be cable or Channel Four

But when I’m introduced I can’t believe my ears

I stand accused of blasphemy

And making graven idols

And for the first time in my life

(Although I realise I’m dead)

I laugh my head off when I’m fed

My ultimate punch line

My five-minute call for the eternal show time

'The devil is the mother of my wife'

But speaking seriously ever since then my aim has been

To entertain the mother-in-law